It seems a bit overwhelming but according to my msn.com search, I am writing the 261,200,001 entry for Mother’s Day.  And for someone using Google to search about mothers, this will be the 60,200,001 hit.  Just to compare an Internet search with standard reference materials in hardback, I checkedElaine Partnow’s book The Quotable Woman; the First 5,000 Years where I found 210+ quotes.  Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations lists 119.  There were some very interesting listings in the index of both books; i.e., colorful descriptors such as “function of a mother,” “mother’s bloody brood,” “benefits of,” “in the kitchen with,” “in relationship to adulthood,” “young,” “single,” “working” “wise,” “transformed by,” complexity of,” “ineffectual,” “on welfare,” “demands of,” “as storyteller,” “the constant activity of,” “snooping,” “protective,” “over-protective,” “religious,” “necessity of,” “glorification of,” “wild,” –  the list goes on.

With my curiosity peaked, I made a trip to the gift card shop.  Wow!  There were rows and rows of cards that would fit any mother, step-mother, grandmother, foster mother, adoptive mother, you-were-like-a-mother-to-me – whatever.   There were even cards for the mother in prison.

What kind of mother am I writing about?  After all, my own experience is with one mother, two grandmothers, and my own mothering.  I decided to ask my friends to share some of their important mother memories. They all had such wonderful flavors, such variety, such richness.  Even with their differences, they were also the same: the undertones of sadness at a mother lost, the joy of visits, the laughter over the antics of grandkids, the heartache of separation and distance, the gratefulness for lessons learned,  the long talks and sharing of problems, the handing down of family traditions, the wonderment at a full life well-lived, the tragedy of a life cut short.  Every person I talked to had a story, they remembered distinct details of times gone by, and they all valued the connection with their mother.  Everyone had the same-yet-different mother story, mother memories.  What became clear is that no one had a standard-issue mother.

That’s when I decided someone needed to write the Manual for Mothers.  The first thing in this manual would be a clear understanding of the elements entailed in being a mother.  How better to accomplish this than to write The Mother Ad.   Here’s my re-make of a Help Wanted Advertisement I once saw:

            Help Wanted:  Senior Research & Engineering Executive Officer

            Job Description: Seeking team player needed for challenging permanent position in an often chaotic environment.  Candidate must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, be willing to work long and variable hours (including evenings and weekends).  Beginning as well as Advanced Reading and Computing skills, common sense, and the ability to negotiate with multiple competing entities on a daily basis is standard operating practice. Travel required to primitive campgrounds, sporting events, concerts, birthday parties, family celebrations, and endless undetermined teen hangouts.         Responsibilities:  Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, when enforcing company rules.  Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly, possess the patience of Job, the physical stamina of a pack mule, and the ability to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat on life-saving sweeps.  Ability to face stimulating technical challenges such as battery replacement, small gadget repair, stuck zippers, multiple foldable or inflatable contraptions, and mysteriously sluggish toilets is mandatory.  Must screen phone calls, monitor Internet sites, and interview constantly-changing associates, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.  Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and a total embarrassment the next.  Culinary skills and janitorial & repair expertise are critical. Emergency Medical Training required and must not exhibit squeamishness around bugs, snakes, mud, pets &  their problems, or blood.  Financial management, short and long-term loan administration, and experience in robbing Peter to pay Paul are critical job skills.   Must be willing to accept responsibility for the quality of the end product and understand outcome measurements.

            Advancement & Promotion:  This position is permanently locked in to the  placement schedule;  however, you will be required to seek continuous improvement of performance through training, experience, and therapy.  Promotion is available to Grand status should your progeny reproduce, akin to the ideal Pyramid Scheme which never ends.

            Wages & Compensation: Travel expenses not reimbursed, no overtime, and extensive courier duties also required w/o reimbursement.  Your job will entail providing an endless supply of wages and benefits to your dependents, and often times your independents.  Balloon payments are frequently required at critical junctures in the lives of those you serve; i.e., vehicles, technological procurement and replacement, travel & entertainment, and education.  Knowledge of reverse wages will increase your understanding of output factors.

            Previous Experience:  Due to circumstances beyond our control, none can be required

            Benefits:  Varied, depending upon attitude, work ethic, and unforeseen genetic factors.  No insurance.  No paid holidays.  This job offers unlimited opportunities for free hugs and kisses, unconditional love, and joy beyond your wildest expectations.  Should you allow your teenagers to live – and should they so desire, you may be eligible to receive grandchildren.   There is no age limit for this position, as you are not granted retirement.

How does all of that sound?  I’m not so sure I’d take that job if I saw the ad in the paper.  And yet, the latest figures from the U.S. Bureau of the Census (2006) tell us that there are over 80.5 million mothers in this country who receive an estimated 150 million Mother’s Day cards. I suspect there are so many because they never read that Job Description.  Thankfully, they never saw the mothering task in that light.

If I knew then what I know now, I would never have been so obstinate with my mother.  I wouldn’t have given her such a bad time so many times.  I would have helped her more, told her I loved her more, defended her more, hugged her more, listened to her more, minded her more, talked with her more, and done more things with her.  More good stuff; less not-so-good stuff.  And I’m quite sure there are many of you thinking the same thing.

That’s what’s so good about hind-sight.  And that’s what’s so good about being a mother:  I think we all strive to be better mothers not because our mothers weren’t so good, but because we know we could have been better kids.  As a mother, we can make up for some of those antics.  But the really good part comes as a grandmother:  The Payback.  Watching your daughter mother your grandchildren.  Smiling at the memories.  Smiling at the joys and the frustrations of raising children.  Smiling when you get to have the grandkids for awhile, and smiling when you get to give them back. Smiling at The Knowing of how very much it has all been worth every precious moment.

Thank you Anna Jarvis of Graxton, West Virginia, for trying so hard to get national recognition for Mother’s Day.  It finally happened in 1914 by an act of Congress.  The funny thing is that it doesn’t really take an act of Congress to recognize your mom.

Thanks, Mom, for fulfilling the job of Senior Research & Engineering Executive Officer.  I’m glad the name was shortened:  “Mom” sounds so much more comforting.

1250 words

Country Review Magazine for May, 2008 issue